So....
In the roller coaster of a life i have managed to make for myself... there has always been one thing that I have been in search of. One thing that i always looked forward to finding, instantly knowing and enjoying forever.
I searched through officers, rockstars, actors and backpackers. Bartenders, squatters and massage therapists.... On one occasion I thought I had found it... and indeed I had... but alas it was fleeting and completely crushing.
But now my friends.... I have found it. And just like they say in all the books, it came from nowhere, when i least expected, I knew it immediately and it knocked me off my feet. Yes dear readers.... I have found that elusive thing... love. Requited and intense, breathtaking and core shaking... love.
AND IT SUCKS!!!!
Why is it in all the songs, books, plays, movies and interprative dances no one ever tells you that love is actally a mental illness that transforms otherwise sane, intelligent, articulate and witty people into blathering childish fools???????????????
Please let the recod show that i am not referring to my partner in such a way (that is the first time i have called him partner but i hate the word boyfriend....) I am referring to myself. In the past few months i have been on a horrifying journey of self discovery that has not only opened my eyes to a whole new social world but to the terrifying realisation i am simultaneously all of the following things:
* a three year old girl who throws a tantrum the minute she does not get what she wants
* a sexually charged maniac who cannot let her partner rest for a minute
* a psychotic stalker who must know where and what her beloved is doing every SECOND of the day
* a crying teenager who flips out the minute he doesnt answer the phone
* a co-depandant house wife who has no sense of life and purpose without the other one around
* a socially inept band geek who has no self confidence at all
* a giggling cheerleader who is giddy and silly and rediculous all the time
* a clumsy fool who breaks, drops and destroys everything in her path
In short, i have become something i never had in me...
a true... honest to god.... no holding back.... FEMALE.
I have never been able to understand females, despite being one.... i never quite got how our species functioned without spontaneously combusting or killing every other female on the planet and eating her heart while it is still warm. Although we are the ones who give life and... cook stuf... and make things pretty.... women are a vicious species that will stop at nothing to get what they want.
And now.... here i am.... combusting pure concentrated female all over the place! I turned around a few weeks ago, looked in the mirror and though to myself... who are you and what did you do to independant Amy? She was fine all on her own, travelling around the world, writing the blogs, taking the pictures and now... some crazed commitment craving, emotion sharing, baby wanting freak has posessed her.
This love thing is completley fucked.
One minute I'm happy, the next i am furious, the next I am lost, the next I am proud, then i'm jealous, then I'm peaceful, then I'm giddy, then I am so full of hate I can't see straight and i want to stab the person above me on the escalator in the heart with my umbrella because they are taking up all of my personal space.
It's like everything I have ever felt is magnified by ten thousand percent and quite frankly.... it's exhausting. I live in london people! I dont have time for all of this emotional bull shit!
And to top it all of.... most of my closest friends here are men.... so when i ask for advice the most articulate thing i get back is... "just stop being such a girl."
It's not something you can turn off people!!! This emotional bungee chord cannot be cut - othrewise i will fall to a horrilble death in the river rapids of the emotionally redundant and bitter single spinster who everyone thinks is a closeted lesbain.
So what do I do? I guess I have no choice.... I guess I have to embrace this "bullshit" and admit that.... underneath it all.... I am still as terrified as I was that night 1992 when some guy called Simon decided he was going to be my first kiss on the steps of the Dana street church. (and please do not think it was my brother - it was a guy from Daylesford who played the tuba.)
Or.... build a padded cell in the laundry cupboard and start evey day "releasing the brain crazy" by running around in circles banging saucepans together singing the theme song to "Family Ties"
I guess those are my only options.
