So Close... Yet So Friggin' Far.

So...

About a month ago my agent over here, Steph, rings me and says.... "Amy.. i have a great audition for you.... they want to see you for the lead role in.... CATS."

CATS???? CATS???????? GOD DAMNED LYCRA WEARIN' LLOYD WEBBER SINGIN' CATS!?!?!?!?!?

"I dont want to be in that shit" I think to myself "it will be as rediculous as my The Lion King dance audition where I resembled the albino hippo who hurt its leg or the Lord or the Rings cattle call where I looked like Xena warrior princess among the friggin' hobbits!"

But of course.... in the crazy career of a h-actor one never says such proposterous this to one's representation.... I smiled and said "fantastic! when do i strap on my jazz boots?"

But... to my delight... i was not needed to dance right away... i had to grab my sheet music and give it my all for the m.d.and his buddies.

So... only having seen the show once in a tent in Ballarat and taken the piss out of it the entire time, i got the dvd, sat down and watched this bull shit about cats reciting poetry and telling stories through the artistic medium.... of dance! (insert jazz hands here)

But then... as grizabella hobbled her way around and jenny any dots tappa tappad her way through two hours of the jellical ball... i realised something.... "holy shit... i could actually do this..... i could actually get this job... and get out of harrods.... and be on stage for an entire year... and be paid for it....."

well... this nose hit the proverbial grind stone and was singing day and night the hits of my good mate "how do you solve a problem like andrew lloyd webber"

The neighbours were not amused.

Anyway.... throughout the preperation for this i made a deal with myself.... just get a call back... one little call back and that will give you the boost you need to get back into the audition saddle again.... this was, after all, my first musical audition in about two years.


so... the day arrived and me and my big hair and liquid eyeliner strutted into that audition room ready to rock and roll. my last piece of advice from john had been "just walk in like you own the place... you have to go in there knowing you are the greatest person in the world and they have simply no choice but to hire you."

so there i was.... singing away... for a panel 6.... absolutely shitting myself.

I finished my two songs and there was a silence in the room... and then the dreaded words any out of practise singer shudders at....

"lets do some scales... test that range..."

oh my lord jesus christ.

but... the wind was bowing in the right direction and somehow... i pulled a soprano range out of the bag...

"righto amy... can you wait outside for us? we want to talk about you"

um... okay....

10 AGONISING minutes later... the casting director came out with a mountain of music in her hand... "can you learn this by next week?"

do i have a choice? OF COURSE I DAMN WELL CAN!!!!

One week and four complaints from the neighbours later.... there i was singing the living daylights out of Memory.... the song i had heard oblitorated at eistedfords year after year in my childhood... i had seen it performed by 10 year old calesthenics competitors and 57 year old stage mums... and every time it had made me a little ill.. and now i was singing my heart out for a panel of 12. I sang my way through memory, memroy the reprise, memory returns and memory the ensemble sing it and i cant believe it's not memory... to gus the theatre cat and then some crazy soprano thing that had been cut from the original and was now being put back in called the ballad of billy mccaw... there is a reason it was cut in the first place....

so... sang all of that hoo haa and some yank on the panel says... great stuff amy... can you do it all a tone higher... make those top c's top d's?? (for the un-musical of you.... this is a pitch only dogs can hear... which is odd seeing i was auditioning for cats...)

but as i was taught in the hallowed halls of BAPA... you never say no... and i gave it a shot... and pulled it off!!!! by some freak act of nature i found myself once again singing a crazy soprano range...

"well... thankyou... we'll be in touch"

I hate these words... we'll be in touch... as it directly translates to.. "you we be an anxious neurotic mess until we call you. try not to spontaneously combust from tension or emotionally eat your body weight in cheese... after all, you are auditioning to wear a lycra body suit."

the thing with the call backs is that with each round you get through, the more reasons you find to want and need the job. no matter what the hell it is. with each audition, your imagination opens up a crack more to think about what life would be like if you got the job. it's a lovely dream.... but a hearbreaking one at that.


so.... a tense 24 hours went by and the phone rang again...

"amy... its steph.... cats love you and want to see you for a final..... (cue spooky music) DANCE AUDITION"


oh... holy... shit.


"and they want you to bring you tap shoes"

oh.... holy... shit

"and they want to see you tomorrow"

oh... my.... lord.... baby... jesus... mohammed... alah.... buddah..... christ.

12 hours and 27 complaints from the neighbours about tap dancing at 2am later.....

i was back at the audition studios... in my dance pants.... and a leotard.... with the choreographer, dance captain... AND ONE OTHER PERSON.

yup.... it was a dance call for two were i spent the entire time thinking to myself come on body... work... dance like you did at disney.... dance like you did for judy... why cant you move anymore???? oh thats right.... becuase you havent danced in a friggin year!!!! god damn it why did i go to the gym and not the dance studio, oh i am stupid, and now i am messing up the routine, and the guy is looking right at me oh my god i want to die.

okay. so maybe it wasnt THAT bad...

but singing i can prepare for.... but dancing was where i tripped at the finish line.... a little too out of practise to join my feline friends.

a week later steph rang with the news.... "they loved your singing and acting. but the dance was just not strong enough, you got down to the last two to cover three of the lead roles... but sadly, it was not to be this time"

i present to you... amy maiden... the double threat!

didnt want to be a stupid dancing cat anyway.

so close.... and yet so friggin far.

The Week My House Self Destructed...

So... when i moved into my apartment in Battersea, there was no paperwork, no bond, no official agreements. At the time, I thought this was a great I dea... I could get out whenever i wanted, eveything was very relaxed and easy going... what I should have been issued was a piece of paper that simply said "THIS HOUSEHOLD WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN APPROXIMATELY 9 MONTHS"

Let me give you the low down... its gonna be in pointform because i am sick or relaying the story...

In the inerests of personal security... the names of those of involved been changed.

* I was living with "Charleen" and "Raymond"

* Everything was fine, we went out together, had a laugh together - it was good times.

* I stopped drinking completely to focus on my singing and up coming auditions (blog about that yet to be published)

* "Raymond" and "Charleen" thought it would be a good idea to become a little "more" than housemates... (if you know what I mean)

* I made it quite clear to both of them that i did not want to be in anyway involved or put in the middle of this situation and that quite frankly I thought it was a terrible.

* "Charleen" began bringing other "gentlemen callers" home at crazy times of the night

* "Raymond" started asking me what was gonig on and telling me how much he liked her

* "Charleen" made me promise not to tell him

* I told both of them i would not tell anything... but if anyone asked me, i was not going to lie.

and then the bombshell dropped

THEY BOTH CONTRACTED CHLAMYDIA. yup... you read it....

so...

* "Raymond" and "Charleen" are both mad at each other - I take "Raymond" out for brekkie to cheer him up where I was tricked into telling him about "Charleen's" other friends...

* Upon realising this deception i made him promise to not to tell her it told him... which he then (unbeknownst to me) did and them made up all this nasty stuff i had apparently told him to make himself look better.

* "Raymond" let me know that apparently the "shit had hit the fan" which essentially means "Raymond" had yelled at "Charleen" and upset her and made her feel worse than the STD's were.

* "Charleen" then came home and says to me "so much for staying out of it..." slammed the door and refused to speak to me.

* I have no idea what is going on - apart from the fact my wonderful apartment is now a war zone.

* I try to explain to her the extent of my lack of involvement... that whatever else has been said to her is obviously a lie

* She then tells this to Raymond

* Raymond now cracks the shits at me

* The entire situation escalates around me to the point i do not want to be anywhere near my house

* I decide to face the music and return home to find a party going on with "Charleen's" friends where they smashed, are using my stuff (including laptop and cameras) and hurl abuse at me for something I never did!

* I pack a bag and leave the house and retreat to David's for the night... the poor guy was in the middle of his second preview for his big new show and gets a hysterical phone call from a looney homeless girl.


THEN

* I get a phone call from a friend of mine Jen (that's her real name) who's boyfriend is moving out and she needs someone to move in.
* I tell her i will take the room.

which leaves me where i am... in limbo between my old house i once loved in the city with two psychos and a new house miles out of the city with a friend...

And that is the story of how my house spontaneously combusted.

A note for all of you - never sleep with your housemate - especially if they have Chlamydia