**DISCLAIMER - ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT INNOCENT VICTIMS IDENTITY**
So… I thought I would drop you all a little note to let you know I will be away for a while. I have made a major decision.
After much deliberation and reflection on my life, I have decided to go back to school.
I am enrolling in Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.
Seriously.
Yes… I am going to be with the X-men and learn to harness my powers.
I have finally realised that I am blessed with super powers. I say “blessed”… right now they feel more like a curse, but I am remaining positive and holding firm to the belief that, once learning how to control them, I will one day use them for good instead of evil.
You see… it seems that I have powers to drive people insane. More particularly men… actually to be perfectly honest (and let’s face it… at times like these, I really should be) I have the power to turn perfectly sane men completely psychotic. And how do I do this?
By dating them.
Yes. It appears that when I date someone for any degree of time… they lose their minds. With no rhyme nor reason… without warning… they go mad.
You think I am exaggerating?
Have a look at the past seventy two hours of my life.
• WHEN GOOD BOOTY CALLS GO BAD
I had a friend… let’s call him “Ken.” Ken and I met four years ago through mutual friends and through the haze of alcohol and a nightclub – decided we liked each other. Ken and I formed a nice little agreement – what happens between no-strings-attached-friends, stays between no-strings-attached-friends. It was casual, it was every now and then and it was fine.
In recent months, our “meetings” became a little more frequent… every month or so we would meet up and everything was fine. Until last week. Ken and I had both been away on different trips and decided to meet up for a drink to catch up on each other’s lives. We chatted, we laughed, we drank and then Ken looked at me and said… “What do you think about making this more of a regular thing? You know… you and me?”
I paused…and looked at him and said… “um… yeah… if you want”
This suggestion had come from completely left field. Every one knows you never try to make a relationship out of a booty call… but he was offering me trips away in February, a date on New Years Eve… and I thought… if we take it slow… it could be nice… one day at a time.
So we arranged to meet up the following night with his mates to go and see a concert in Brixton.
I get there… we’re laughing, we’re drinking, we’re having a great time… we’re in the VIP bar hanging out… dancing…laughing. We go downstairs… we’re in the concert, we’re all hanging out… he’s telling me he cant wait to take me home… that everything is fabulous… and again I think… yeah… if we take it slow… maybe it wont be a totally train wreck.
Then he goes quiet.
For about ten minutes.
Then… out of nowhere, he turns around and says.
“No… no… this is it. We’re done. It’s over. This is as far as we go.”
Um…what?
“We’re over Amy. It’s the end of the road. You need to leave.”
Um… sorry?
“I’m feeling really uncomfortable… you have to leave. Its over, it’s done. Just go.”
Remember this is in the middle of a mosh pit at a rock concert in Brixton.
“Ken… you’re my friend… I’ve known you four years.. we’re friends… we’re chilled out… what the hell is this?”
He points to the door.
“Just leave.”
So… in total shock… I started to walk away… and then thought OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T.
I went back into the mosh pit, grabbed his wrist and pulled him aside.
“You are being a complete psycho… I’ve known you ages… what the hell is going on.. you at least owe me some kind of explanation…I’m you’re friend”
“Amy, I don’t have the words to explain how I am feeling… we are over. You are no longer in my life. You have to leave.”
“Ken, ten minutes ago you were telling me you wanted to take me home and do all sorts of inappropriate things to me… you were going to take me away… you wanted to make this more of a regular thing… do you understand why I am confused? I have missed a beat here.”
“Amy… there are no words… just F*** OFF”
And with that… he pushed me into a crowd of people.
And perhaps in my classiest moment ever… I threw the C word at him and left.
I got outside, at 1am, in the pouring rain, in one of the most dangerous parts of London… and I burst into tears.
By some force of nature, a friend I had known four years had turned completely PSYCHO.
And then I started think… this is not the first time this has happened.
Step right up folks and welcome to the freak show… my dating history.
I swear to you that all of these stories are true…
• TURKISH DELIGHT
The Turkish bartender who assured me he was all rock and roll and that we’d have some fun and that was it…
Then… out of the blue he turned around and grabbed me by the face and whispered… while trembling…
“My love for you is terrifying… no one else will ever love you… I am consumed by it.”
The next words out of his mouth were
“Oh and by the way I am divorced and have been in jail on charges of domestic violence.”
He sat on my bedroom floor and cried for three hours when I told him I needed some space.
• THERE GOES THE GOOD CHINA
A friend of a friend had moved into town and I offered to help him get settled. We listened to music, we unpacked boxes, we cooked cheese on toast. I stayed the night – remained fully clothed – but the next morning I heard him mumbling to himself in the kitchen… “What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?” I came into the room to make sure all was ok... he threw a plate and it smashed against the wall by my head. He shouted “YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.”
I didn’t wait to find out what “everything” was.
• ICE HOCKEY MADNESS.
Well… the details of this one in are a previous blog titled “back in the sadle” on myspace.com/maidenamy – but here’s the basic idea:
Met in Starbucks – went for a drink – he was an ex ice hockey player. He called me his girlfriend after one kiss – sent me 75 text messages in one night about our future together - I asked him via text message to casually chill out – and he FLIPPED OUT – again… via text messages.
“You're a *bleep*… What a complete *bleep*… How can you treat men like this you *bleep*… You deserve to be *bleeped*…"
On and on and on they went… for three days…. Until either he got bored of my silence or his phone credit ran out… I think the last thing I heard from him was:
"You can play your mind games with the next guy you mess with… its just another notch in your bed you filthy *bleep*"
Methinks its one too many hits with the hockey stick…
• THE TERRIFYING CLOWN.
A comedian I met in Edinburgh, I thought he was sexy and funny. I gave him my number.
He texted me, we flirted – it was cute. However, upon agreeing to meet up for drink he turned around and told me he had a girlfriend and accused me of being a home wrecker who was trying to ruin his relationship.
I asked him if this was a joke… apparently it wasnt.
• THE CASTING COUCH
A wannabe big shot met I met at a party. We had common friends and he knew my ex. (Lets call the ex “Barry”) We drank, we laughed, we shared a cab home. I was not in any way interested, but he was a useful connection to have and if I could start a friendship that would be good. Apparently he had other ideas. During the ride home he felt me up whilst telling me his son was my age. To top it off, as I got out of the cab to go home (alone) he said “I bet I can F*** you like Barry did.”
Um… no old man… no you can’t.
• NOT SO ROCK AND ROLL NOW
The bass player I met with friends who got my number and started calling me despite the fact he had a girlfriend. Nothing ever happened, we lived on different sides of the planet, but when she found out he was contacting me – she dumped him. (Fair enough…) Then… a week later I get an email stating that his girlfriend is pregnant, that he could never again speak to me and that I am an evil temptress.
Ok.
• MR. BIG
A career minded man who dazzled me with the glamour of his world. He seemed perfectly normal and actually quite amazing… Infact I loved him. And probably always will.
But while he was away on a business trip my magical powers took a long distance hold and he sadly he came back yet another victim.
Yes… he hid it well, but the tell tail signs were there… I had done it again.
You see what I mean?
The evidence is clear – there is no other logical explanation to this behaviour other than I have magical powers to turn men insane.
And so it has come to this… I have no choice but to come to terms with it… and harness it. YES! I will sacrifice a settled life to rid the world of evil. I will date them, send them mad and drive them away.
Planet Earth… you are welcome.
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