Get on the Soap Box... a Political Piece

There are some things in my own little world that I am known for...

* messy bedrooms
* drunken phone messages
* spelling mistakes
* soap opera love life
* inappropriate behavior

The list goes on... however - nowhere on that list would you find "passion for american politics". But my friends... its there. In fact, it over shadows my passion I have for the politics of the country in which I was born in, and of the one i now live in. I don't know why.

Don't get me wrong, I love that John Howard lost his job and that Kevin Rudd is running the country from his Queensland Veranda, I also think that Gordon Brown is in no way the right person to be running the UK, but there is something about the glamour and razzamatazz of US politics I find increasingly fascinating. And my friends... we are indeed in an exciting time.

As we all know, 2008 marks the end of George W Bush's hideous 8 years in the white house - and as the rest of the world sighs with relief that the "misunderstimated" cowboy will be packing his bags and riding off into the sunset, the focus now tuns to the big question of who will be the one to replace him? Who is going to clean up this mess that George will leave behind? After eight years of clumsy republican rule... the spotlight is of course on the democratic race... who will win the election for them? Now up until the past couple of weeks I simply assumed that it would have to be Hillary Clinton.

First female president, already spent 8 years in the white house and really... anyone who can be married to Big Bill must have the diplomacy skills to run the USA... No... she is not against the war, but has that polished and maticulously groomed vaneer that would win over middle america and get all the baby boomer wives out and voting. It makes sense... her man cheated, she stood by him... now she gets to run the world. (Of course, I am not whittling the race to run one of the most powerful countries into the world down to who survived their relationship troubles the best... but there are people out there who do...) And really to be honest... I love Bill Clinton's arrogance and bravado... and i love the idea of him being the first gentleman.

Big Bill playing his saxaphone, smoking cigars and terrorising interns while Hillary runs the country...(some would say that was what happened during his presidency anyway...) Its a two for one deal - vote for Hillary but get Bill as well. A modern twist on a nostalgic return to the way things were before the horror of 9/11 and this rediculous war. Who can argue with that?

I had looked at the other candidates a bit, but it just seemed pointless as nothing could really beat the formidable force of team Clinton...

But then something happened. Pretty much the only thing that could tip Hillary's popularity with middle America's female voters. Something that I never thought would actually ever happen.

And that something... was Ms. Oprah Winfrey.

Yup. The most influential woman in the world got up and had something to say. She had just two words... Barack Obama.

Now - if you know me well you will know of my love of all things Oprah. I think she is an amazing woman who is a formidable force and a fascinating person to watch. Her self made wealth, influence and power is truly something to behold and her micro managed image had never dared before go anywhere near the the world of politics in such a direct and partisan manner. Yes she interviews them, yes she pushed people to make informed voting decisions, but she has never openly supported a candidate to this extent. And like it or not... when Oprah talks... people listen.

So... I wondered what would make someone of her platform and stature make such a public statement of support and go on to actively campaign for his nomination? I did a little reading and folks... at this stage... I think she's onto something.

Think about it for a moment.... President Barack Hussein Obama. On a horrendously basic and watered down level, think of the value of this man's face. Consider the hypothetical. It's November 2008. A young pakistani Muslim, too young to remember a time before the bush years, is watching television and sees that this man is the new face of America. A brown skinned man whose father was an African, who grew up in Indonesia and Hawaii, who attended a majority-Muslim school as a boy, is now the alleged enemy. If you want the crudest but most effective weapon against the demonization of America that fuels Islamist ideology, Obama's face gets close. It proves them wrong about what America is in ways no words can.

The logic behind the candicy of Barack Obama is not, in the end, about Barack Obama. It has little to do with his policy proposals, which are very close to his Democratic rivals'. It has even less to do with his ideological pedigree or legal background or rhetoric skills. Yes, as many profiles prove, he has considerable intelligence - But so do others, not least his formidably polished and practised opponent Hillary Clinton. He is, moreover, no saint. He has flaws and tics, often tired, sometimes grumpy. By record he is a surprisingly uneven campaigner. but to be honest, I have always been one to prefer people who show their true flaws rather than the ones with a well manufactured vaneer that does not entirely ring true. (Stand up Mrs Clinton....)You can see why many of his friends and admirers have urged him to wait. He could be be president in five or nine years' time - what's the rush?

But he knows, and acknowledges, that the fundamental point of his candidacy is that is happening now. Just like the theatre, in politics timing matters. And the most persuasive case for Obama has less to do with him, than the moment he is meeting. A moment of massive change. It has been a long time coming. So much has happened in America in the past seven years, let alone the past forty, that people can be forgiven for focusing on the present and the immediate future.

At its best, the Obama candicy is about ending a war - not so much the war in Iraq, which now has the momentum that will propel the occupation into the next decade - but the brewing war non violent within America. It is a war about war- about culture and religion and about race. And like it or not... this bleeds into the rest of the world. Into the UK and into Australia - who are so heavily influenced and effected by what goes on in the States. The trauma of 9/11, the war and hurricane Katrina, has tended to obscure the memory of an unprecedentedly bitter election, and its aftermath. But its legacy is still very much with us... made far worse by Bushs's approach to dealing with it. Despite losing the popular vote seven years ago, he governed as if he had won in a landslide.

With 9/11, he had a "reset moment" - a chance to reunite the country in a way that would marginalize the extreme haters and forge a national consensus. He chose not to do so. Instead - his chose to terrify and polarise his country - filling many people with paranoia. This is the critical context for the election of 2008. Of the possible candidates, Obama seems to be the one who can bridge a widening partisan gulf. It isn't about his policies as much as it is about his person. The war today matters enormously and for people who want to get beyond the battles of an older generation and face today's actual problems - Obama looks to be the man. He is the only candidate who who has been against the war from its out set - and more excitingly - against it for the right reasons.

I quote his speach from 2002 - five months before the war -

"I don't oppose all wars. And I know that in this crowd today, there is no shortage of patriots, or of patriotism. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war …

I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a U.S. occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences. I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East, and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world, and strengthen the recruitment arm of al-Qaeda. I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars."

He is not against the use of force - but is flexable in dealing with it. He is the among the first democrats in a generation not to be afraid of ashamed of what they actually believe, he does not smell - as some others do, of political fear.

What I also love about Obama is his approach to religion. Which is a massive part of any American political debate. He was brought up in a nonreligious home and converted to Christianity as an adult. But - he is not a "born again." His faith is a modern, intellectual christianity. A difficult balance to find in todays world that moves forward at a terrifying technological and scientific speed. One of my favorite quotes from him so far is that "faith does not mean you don't have doubts."

Now... there are some very clear reasons as to why he has called on the almighty Oprah to help him out a month before the democratic leader is elected. His weakest supporters are middle aged women and African Americans. A large number of whom are backing a white woman for president. Obama has been accused of "acting like he's white" by Jesse Jackson, that he has spent too much time trying to get white America to love him. Its a racial mine field this man is walking right now. But - with Oprah's recent and very vocal endorsement - it can be tip toed around.

"We can have a crime policy thats both tough and smart If you're convicted of a crime involving drugs, you should be punished. But lets not make the punishment for crack cocain that much more severe than powder cocaine when the real difference between the two is the skin colour of the people using them. Judges think thats wrong, Republicans think thats wrong, Democrats think thats wrong, and yet its been approved by the republican and democratic presidents because no one has been willing to brave the politics and make it right. This will end when I am president."

I like what this man is saying....

Now for all intents and purposes - a campaigning politician is all sound and fury - full of the promise of a first date. Like imaging mini breaks and couples dinner parties - Barack gives me reason to imagine a positive and exciting leader of one of the worlds most powerful countries.

There is nothing to prove that he will be the president I am dreaming of. His record in high office is space, his performances on the campaign trail are patchy, his chief rival Hillary has beaten him often with her relentless pursuit of the middle ground. At times she has even appeared more like able than the skinny, sometimes crabby and morose newcomer from Chicago. Clinton instills a sense of security along with the smiling nostalgia of her husband. The thing is that she makes more sense if you believe that times are pretty good - that the environmental, military and racial crisis are not deep ones. That the lingering trauma of the Bush presidency and the polarisation of beliefs he has left in his wake is an illusion - the the argument for Obama is not that strong. Clinton will do and a Clinton vs. Giuliani race will be the predictable end.

But I think, that greater danger lies ahead - that the choices we make now are the crucial ones. Sometimes, when the world is changing rapidly - the greater risk is caution. We have had a white house filled with four years of Bush Sr, eight years of Mr. Clinton and 8 years of Bush Jr. As Oprah says... if we keep making the same choices... nothing is ever going to change.

I am not against Hilary Clinton for president - I would love a woman to be running that government... but i have to say... in light of my recent research... I don't think she's the one. I cannot vote in this election, nor can I tell any of my friends in the USA how to think or who to vote for. But I just think... this is an exciting time... and indeed an exciting opportunity in history.

There's hope for the future friends...

And now i will get off my soap box and go back to doing what i do best... messing up my room and drunk dialing my friends.

Going Away for A Little While.

**DISCLAIMER - ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT INNOCENT VICTIMS IDENTITY**


So… I thought I would drop you all a little note to let you know I will be away for a while. I have made a major decision.

After much deliberation and reflection on my life, I have decided to go back to school.

I am enrolling in Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.

Seriously.

Yes… I am going to be with the X-men and learn to harness my powers.

I have finally realised that I am blessed with super powers. I say “blessed”… right now they feel more like a curse, but I am remaining positive and holding firm to the belief that, once learning how to control them, I will one day use them for good instead of evil.

You see… it seems that I have powers to drive people insane. More particularly men… actually to be perfectly honest (and let’s face it… at times like these, I really should be) I have the power to turn perfectly sane men completely psychotic. And how do I do this?

By dating them.

Yes. It appears that when I date someone for any degree of time… they lose their minds. With no rhyme nor reason… without warning… they go mad.

You think I am exaggerating?

Have a look at the past seventy two hours of my life.

• WHEN GOOD BOOTY CALLS GO BAD

I had a friend… let’s call him “Ken.” Ken and I met four years ago through mutual friends and through the haze of alcohol and a nightclub – decided we liked each other. Ken and I formed a nice little agreement – what happens between no-strings-attached-friends, stays between no-strings-attached-friends. It was casual, it was every now and then and it was fine.

In recent months, our “meetings” became a little more frequent… every month or so we would meet up and everything was fine. Until last week. Ken and I had both been away on different trips and decided to meet up for a drink to catch up on each other’s lives. We chatted, we laughed, we drank and then Ken looked at me and said… “What do you think about making this more of a regular thing? You know… you and me?”

I paused…and looked at him and said… “um… yeah… if you want”

This suggestion had come from completely left field. Every one knows you never try to make a relationship out of a booty call… but he was offering me trips away in February, a date on New Years Eve… and I thought… if we take it slow… it could be nice… one day at a time.

So we arranged to meet up the following night with his mates to go and see a concert in Brixton.

I get there… we’re laughing, we’re drinking, we’re having a great time… we’re in the VIP bar hanging out… dancing…laughing. We go downstairs… we’re in the concert, we’re all hanging out… he’s telling me he cant wait to take me home… that everything is fabulous… and again I think… yeah… if we take it slow… maybe it wont be a totally train wreck.

Then he goes quiet.

For about ten minutes.

Then… out of nowhere, he turns around and says.

“No… no… this is it. We’re done. It’s over. This is as far as we go.”

Um…what?

“We’re over Amy. It’s the end of the road. You need to leave.”

Um… sorry?

“I’m feeling really uncomfortable… you have to leave. Its over, it’s done. Just go.”

Remember this is in the middle of a mosh pit at a rock concert in Brixton.

“Ken… you’re my friend… I’ve known you four years.. we’re friends… we’re chilled out… what the hell is this?”

He points to the door.

“Just leave.”

So… in total shock… I started to walk away… and then thought OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T.

I went back into the mosh pit, grabbed his wrist and pulled him aside.

“You are being a complete psycho… I’ve known you ages… what the hell is going on.. you at least owe me some kind of explanation…I’m you’re friend”

“Amy, I don’t have the words to explain how I am feeling… we are over. You are no longer in my life. You have to leave.”

“Ken, ten minutes ago you were telling me you wanted to take me home and do all sorts of inappropriate things to me… you were going to take me away… you wanted to make this more of a regular thing… do you understand why I am confused? I have missed a beat here.”

“Amy… there are no words… just F*** OFF”

And with that… he pushed me into a crowd of people.

And perhaps in my classiest moment ever… I threw the C word at him and left.

I got outside, at 1am, in the pouring rain, in one of the most dangerous parts of London… and I burst into tears.

By some force of nature, a friend I had known four years had turned completely PSYCHO.

And then I started think… this is not the first time this has happened.

Step right up folks and welcome to the freak show… my dating history.

I swear to you that all of these stories are true…

• TURKISH DELIGHT
The Turkish bartender who assured me he was all rock and roll and that we’d have some fun and that was it…

Then… out of the blue he turned around and grabbed me by the face and whispered… while trembling…

“My love for you is terrifying… no one else will ever love you… I am consumed by it.”

The next words out of his mouth were

“Oh and by the way I am divorced and have been in jail on charges of domestic violence.”

He sat on my bedroom floor and cried for three hours when I told him I needed some space.

• THERE GOES THE GOOD CHINA
A friend of a friend had moved into town and I offered to help him get settled. We listened to music, we unpacked boxes, we cooked cheese on toast. I stayed the night – remained fully clothed – but the next morning I heard him mumbling to himself in the kitchen… “What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?” I came into the room to make sure all was ok... he threw a plate and it smashed against the wall by my head. He shouted “YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.”

I didn’t wait to find out what “everything” was.

• ICE HOCKEY MADNESS.
Well… the details of this one in are a previous blog titled “back in the sadle” on myspace.com/maidenamy – but here’s the basic idea:

Met in Starbucks – went for a drink – he was an ex ice hockey player. He called me his girlfriend after one kiss – sent me 75 text messages in one night about our future together - I asked him via text message to casually chill out – and he FLIPPED OUT – again… via text messages.

“You're a *bleep*… What a complete *bleep*… How can you treat men like this you *bleep*… You deserve to be *bleeped*…"

On and on and on they went… for three days…. Until either he got bored of my silence or his phone credit ran out… I think the last thing I heard from him was:

"You can play your mind games with the next guy you mess with… its just another notch in your bed you filthy *bleep*"

Methinks its one too many hits with the hockey stick…

• THE TERRIFYING CLOWN.
A comedian I met in Edinburgh, I thought he was sexy and funny. I gave him my number.

He texted me, we flirted – it was cute. However, upon agreeing to meet up for drink he turned around and told me he had a girlfriend and accused me of being a home wrecker who was trying to ruin his relationship.

I asked him if this was a joke… apparently it wasnt.

• THE CASTING COUCH
A wannabe big shot met I met at a party. We had common friends and he knew my ex. (Lets call the ex “Barry”) We drank, we laughed, we shared a cab home. I was not in any way interested, but he was a useful connection to have and if I could start a friendship that would be good. Apparently he had other ideas. During the ride home he felt me up whilst telling me his son was my age. To top it off, as I got out of the cab to go home (alone) he said “I bet I can F*** you like Barry did.”

Um… no old man… no you can’t.

• NOT SO ROCK AND ROLL NOW
The bass player I met with friends who got my number and started calling me despite the fact he had a girlfriend. Nothing ever happened, we lived on different sides of the planet, but when she found out he was contacting me – she dumped him. (Fair enough…) Then… a week later I get an email stating that his girlfriend is pregnant, that he could never again speak to me and that I am an evil temptress.

Ok.

• MR. BIG
A career minded man who dazzled me with the glamour of his world. He seemed perfectly normal and actually quite amazing… Infact I loved him. And probably always will.

But while he was away on a business trip my magical powers took a long distance hold and he sadly he came back yet another victim.

Yes… he hid it well, but the tell tail signs were there… I had done it again.

You see what I mean?

The evidence is clear – there is no other logical explanation to this behaviour other than I have magical powers to turn men insane.

And so it has come to this… I have no choice but to come to terms with it… and harness it. YES! I will sacrifice a settled life to rid the world of evil. I will date them, send them mad and drive them away.

Planet Earth… you are welcome.

Playing Catch Up

Ok…. So…. I know that I am a little behind in my blogging and for that I can only apologise, but when you understand what has been going on since I left Australia – you will forgive me a little.

I have never been one to do things by halves. Since I was a little girl I have lived a life of extremes, by the mantra of all or nothing.

As a child I would eat all the lollies in the bag - or I wouldn't have a single one. I would watch every episode of Degrassi Jr High - or I wouldn't turn the television on. The girl across the road would be my best friend forever, or I wouldn't speak to her.

In my teens and early twenties I would practise three instruments every day for hours, or I wouldn't touch a thing, I would drink the entire cask (yes… cask) of wine – or I wouldn't drink a drop. I would fall hopelessly in love with the boy in the rock band – or I would hang with the gay boys for months.

It seems, dear friends, that nothing has changed.

Last year I sat across a table from a virtual stranger on a first date and he asked me "what do you want to do with your life in London… why are you here?"

I rather sheepishly replied "well… um… I'd like to work for Disney again here, I really loved that… Um… I'd like to make money from my photos… that makes me pretty happy… but most of all… um… I'd like to be the artistic director of my own theatre company."

He smiled at me and said… "That's pretty ambitious… but I'd like to see you do all that."

A year to the day, and one hell of a roller coaster later… he did.

To fully explain what's going on at the moment – I need to segregate my life a little and therefore we will do this in instalments…

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…

Amy's life with international Mickey.

In a big building in Hammersmith, on the eighth floor there is a tiny office for three people. This is Walt Disney Special Events. The people responsible for the appearances of any Disney character in the UK, EU, Arab Emirates and South Africa. These people are my bosses and colleagues. My job is what's called a character/production manager. Yes. I am Mickey Mouse's boss. Any time any of the characters (that's anyone from Donald to Dumbo) are needed for an appearane in any of our areas, someone has to go with them. A chaperone if you will. That someone, is me. I make sure that Mickey is looked after, that his performance is Disney approved and that all magical secrets are kept exactly that. A secret. They call me… defender of the magic.

Here's how is works…. The phone rings, they ask if I am available for work on certain dates, I say yes, I grab some gigantic bags, get on a plane, go somewhere completely random, do the job, come home, put back the bags back and then do it all over again.

Sounds simple? Um…no. Since when is anything in my life ever simple? Disney, as a company is international – a gobal sized corporation. But take it from me… when you get down to it, to the nitty gritty – when you are on the ground in Munich with 400 homeless children running at a giant bear screaming GUTTEN TAG BALOO – it aint always so magical. Europe – on a whole – does not subscribe to the highly Americanised ideals of the magic kingdom. So, negotiating the appearance of a blue bear and a monkey, or a yellow bear and a tiger, or two mice, or a duck and a dog…. You'd be amazed at the arguments you go through…. Here are a snippets at the things I have found myself saying:

• "I'm sorry mate, but Captain Hook is not coming to meet Thandie Newton until he gets his four bottles of water and a lock on his dressing room – you agreed to this contract and you will uphold that agreement."
• "No – Baloo cannot have his picture taken with the mayor of Munich because all Disney characters are non partisan, non political figures. To show a partial preference to any party would be a complete breach of Disney Corporation guidelines, which you have already been made aware of and will agree to wether you like it or not."

• "No – the actual stars of High School Musical are not here"

• "Um… no… I am truly sorry – but Mickey Mouse is global superstar – he does not get changed in a toilet."

• "NEIN – DAS IS NICHT GUT"

• "No – the actual stars of High School Musical are not here"

• "How do I say hello and no in Swedish?… oh… its just hi and no… ok"

• "No…I am sorry, Whinne the Poo does not know Nemo – Disney characers only know acknowledge the existence of characters within the realms of their own magical kingdom – Nemo doesn't live in the hundred acre wood and Winnie the Poo can't swim."

• "Yes, I know Zac Effron… No he isn't here."

• "Um… can we remove all the High School Musical Merchandise with a certain cast member's face on it? His picture's approval has been revoked from the Disney Store and if its on site when he gets here – its not going to be pretty"

• "Excuse me, Andrew Lloyd Webber – Could you stand a little to the left for the press? They want the shot of you and Mickey."

• "Oh my God Minnie it's JASON DONOVAN"

• "I have no comment on the naked pictures of the stars of High School Musical"

• "I don't care if he is a famous TV star in Romania, unless he gets his butt to rehearsal in three minutes he will not be performing with goofy and I will not be feeling very bloody magical."

I know its ridiculous… defender of the magic, subscribing so faithfully to a multi national corporation - but you know what? I wake up in the morning and I am excited to go to work… and proud of what I do.

And that… makes a very big difference to my life.

We Could Be Heroes... Just for One Day

Ok… I know I don't admit to this often… but I am a geek. A complete and utter geek. Yup, Mac loving, Harry Potter reading, Shakespeare sonnet memorising geek. But not just any old breed of geek – I am the worst kind. I actually specialise my geek-ness to one particular area. One usually reserved for old gay men.

My dirty secret is… I am self-confessed music theatre geek.

I blame my parents. A childhood listening the Andrew sisters, singing the tunes of "Joseph" and painting the sets of "little shop of horrors." Ten years of musical tuition, three years of musical theatre training… all supported by my loving parents. Yeah… I am a geek and although I manage to keep a lid on it most of the time… this week… it had no choice but to come out.

To get the build up to the events of the past two days, we need to go back a few years… lets say to the early nineties where I was a tall, awkward girl. Helping her dad paint the sets of the high school musical he was directing. Dad had the CD player, playing the soundtrack to a show I had never heard. It sounded different. You couldn't dance to it; there were no chorus girls and the music made you feel… well… different.

"Daddy, why are these people singing about shooting presidents in the head?" I asked…

"Well – this show is called Assassins. It's a non-linear musical piece about the disillusionment of the American dream and the power of the global media on the masses, manifesting it's self in people who assassinate American Presidents. ."

"Oh... so its not like cats?"

"No honey… its written by a man called Stephen Sondheim. That Cats show is a piece of crap."

And so… one conversation was to shape my theatrical tastes for the rest of my life.

Over the years, as I grew to learn more and more of the works of this man Sondheim, I became a more and more obsessive fan. The intelligence of his work not only fascinated but also inspired me and I bashfully admit that for a while there…I was what I now laughingly call a "Sondheim freak." Fat girl in high school, obsessing over obscure music… no wonder I never had a boyfriend.

Short story long… I love, admire and have an embarrassingly encyclopaedic knowledge of the man and his work. There is no way to fully explain it… unless you too are a music theatre geek – you just wont get it…

This kind of obsession does not leave you – no matter how hard you try. Fast forward to my mid twenties… there I was well and truly over the glamour and the romance of the industry and rather disillusioned by the music theatre genre as a whole. I had taken a long hiatus from my obsession, sold my soul to a giant mouse and put all of that passion for music theatre and particularly the works of Sondheim on the dusty back shelf of my mind. But it was still there… simmering away - waiting for a moment to boil over once more. Perhaps all those years distilled it in some way… the appreciation became less bubbly and a little more reserved… easier to bottle. But it was still there.

So… a month ago when my best friend Mccat (this is her nick name and how she will be referred to from now on…) called me to tell me that Sondheim was going to be in Sydney, doing a live question and answer and would I like to go… I immediately screamed YES down the phone and started booking flights I knew I could not afford.

By a series of fortuitous events, I managed to score myself a ticket and after party pass to the opening night of "company" the show Sondheim was actually out here to support. It was here I was going to get to meet him... I was going with a very old friend Beautiful Amanda, we both knew people in the cast and it was set to be a cracking night. I was very excited about the entire thing, good show, good company and perhaps the chance to meet a living theatrical legend. I had my opening night game face on and I was ready.

For people who don't know the circus that is a theatrical opening night... I will try to sum it up as concisely as possible…

Um… hype… noise… show… hype… noise… party… networking… drink… noise… hype… party… show… hype… taxi… bed.

Now… once you get the hang of it, these things are fun. For me the rules are simple – take everything everyone says with a very large grain of salt, laugh loudly at jokes you think are lame, make sure you eat before you drink, tell everyone involved you thought it was fabulous and wait until you are well out of earshot before you say what you actually think.

Oh… and never… never ever… take yourself or anyone else in the room too seriously. It is an industry of make believe after all.

So there we were… paparazzi snapping away (again... not at us… see my previous blog for my long history of that) drinking and laughing with the young beautiful industry types of Sydney, having a grand old time. I have to admit… I was feeling rather fabulous. We had been to the show, made it to the party, scoffed the free food and took advantage of the free booze. The room was shoulder to shoulder with Australian glitterati… and all I could think is… where is he… where is the big S… and do I actually have the balls to do this?

We did a couple of circuits of the room, all dimly lit, filled with mirrors, couches and drunk Australian celebrities (Bob Hawke was my favourite spot of the night…) and finally… in the corner of my eye I saw a quaff of familiar silvery hair… there he was.

Ten meters away… and completely surrounded.

Wave after wave of people crashed around him – staring like they were looking into the face of god. The outer circle was hilarious. Hysterical music theatre FREAKS who circled him like he was some ice sculpture centrepiece, afraid to get too close in case they damage it, but crying (yes… literally crying) because it's beauty was all too impossible to grasp. Beneath them were the actors... the ones who were actually in this show… trying desperately to seem nonchalant about the fact they were chatting to an industry icon… making jokes and comments to him like they were old friends… all the while their faces screaming silently OH DEAR GOD PLEASE LOVE ME. Then, the closest ones to this Elvis of musical theatre were his friends… a couple of people who actually knew him and seemed to bring him some kind of solace in what seemed to be an exhausting and embarrassing parade of adoration. He looked exhausted, it was after midnight, he was working all day the next day and seemed to simply want to go home to do the crossword in bed.

I caught my reflection in the mirror. What the hell was I doing? Leave the man alone. He is famously shy and private and has flown from New York, apparently has the flu and has no need for yet another random girl to speak to him about nothing in particular, so she could brag to her friends… I met the big man. I started backing away. I was better than this… I did not need this validation. Be more than some crazy fan Amy, I thought. Leave this man in peace – lord knows he deserves it.

And then the speeches started… the artistic director of the theatre company up there bla bla bla-ing about the importance of musical theatre in the world (how singing and dancing save the energy crisis I do not know…) but as people milled and the crowd shifted… I started a conversation with the girl next to me. The two of us chuckling away about the freaks and the speeches… she was young, Australian and really nice. An island of normal in the sea of crazy that was becoming this evening. I asked what she was doing there and she said "I'm looking after Stephen… do you want to meet him? You seem normal…"

(That's the first time I had been called THAT in a while)

Did I want to meet him…. Did I want to meet him? I had been dreaming of this moment since I was twelve… but now… as it is offered to me on a platter… did I say no to appear normal? Did I walk away in the name of all things chic and cool?

HELL NO.

The speeches ended, he turned around to look at me and the nice girl said, "Stephen this is Amy… lives in London, lovely person, knows your producer…"

He looked at me… I looked at him...

I shook his hand and said "Hi… it's a pleasure to meet you…"

And he paused and said…

"I am really sorry I am exhausted and I have to go."

Yes folks… sometimes when you meet your hero they inspire you, they make you strive to be a person… or they excuse themselves to leave.

We are all – at the end of the day – fabulously human

A First Class Ticket To Nowhere

So… here I am…. Sitting in the PJ O'Brien's at Tullamarine airport, Melbourne. It's around 2pm and about now… I was supposed to be getting on a flight to Sydney.

Sydney…. City of the stars, the harbour, the bridge… and many other… things.

"Why are you sitting in a bar Amy?" I hear you ask? "Why are you not jetting your way off to this fabulous place to be fabulous with the fabulous people all the live long fabulous day!!?? Is it because they cancelled your flight…" No. "Is it because there are domestic delays today?" Nup. "Is it because you met your soul mate in the departure lounge and the two of you are running away to Barbados together to live in luxury and laugh at the silly people still so poor they have to work for a living?"

Sadly…. Again… No.

Today friends I have learnt a very valuable lesson.

NEVER TRUST ASHLEIGH FLANDERS TO MAKE YOUR TRAVEL ARANGEMENTS.

Lets back track a little…

After many days in Ballarat doing little more than, eating, sleeping, walking the dog and surfing the Internet… I was busting to get out of the Western Victorian hotbed I once called home. Don't get me wrong… there is nothing about Ballarat that is specifically bad… (Except perhaps for the bogans and the matching lime green tracksuits that seem to populate a large amount of the city) but I have spent the past two years in London. The city where you go a million miles an hour... or you don't go at all. And you get trampled to death by the crowd coming up behind you.

It was quite a big gear change to go home to the town who's national emblem is a giant flower called the begonia. Yep. Quiet days and quiet nights… being at one with my thoughts…

I was slowly going mad.

So… I woke up this morning a little excited about my imminent trip to the big smoke… I got up early, packed my bags, cleaned my room (on pain of death from my mother) and hopped the Ballarat shuttle bus to the Airport. Armed with my latest copy of "Ok! Australia" (appropriately celebrating the Olsen twin's 21st birthday… god bless them everyone…) I was ready to pop in the I-pod, listen to some tunes and disappear to the land of my imagination for the hour and a half ride… (for those of you wishing to know… the land of my imagination involves a Lindsay Lohan, the Olsen Twins and giant padded cell in rehab… no mum I am not a lesbian…) but to my dismay, the shuttle was deserted and was forced to make inane small talk with the driver who told me about seventy five times that there was lots of fog today, that he is from Minnesota, his sons live in Melbourne and Florida and he used to be the deputy head master of Colac primary school… why his career has turned the dramatic corner to Shuttle Bus driver… I will never know.

Anyway… got to the airport and met ash… my currently albino like friend with bleached hair and Macaulay Culkin like features who I met at university. Ash and I had planned this trip a while back… when I was still in London. He rang me up while I was at work one day and stated quite plainly "you and I are going to Sydney to visit Tanya on the fifteenth that's ok yeah?" "yeah" I replied… I have lots of old mates in Sydney… many places and people to see and do and would love to get up to the town I once called home and left six months later calling it the city of shattered dreams… "book it will ya? I'm busy" I said… and so he did.

Apparently.

Fast forward to the polite blonde ladies at the virgin terminal pointing us in the direction of the check in desk, visualise if you will, the normal "baggage" and "extra weight" jokes to be made whilst standing in line… the checking out of the male flight attendants and the obligatory mullet sighting... and of course they were taking that mullet to Dubbo.

Then… in your mind's eye visualise Irene. Polite, brunette, funky glasses Irene… just going about her day… calling up two adorable chums laughing all the way to the big smoke to check in and having to tell us in her sunny voice

"I'm sorry… I cant seem to find your booking for today"

Uncomfortable silence.

Confused stare at each other.

More uncomfortable silence.

"I'm sorry… you can't find what?" I said.
"It has to be there… I booked it, I have the confirmation right here…" said Ash
"I'm terribly sorry… but neither of you are in the system for today…"
"Flanders?" I said "make the mean lady stop lying… why is she lying to us Ash… ASH!"

Now… for the full effect of this story you need to understand that, much like myself, in times of pressure and stress, Albino Ash tends to get a little loud and a little fast… without realising.

"COME ON IRENE (ha ha) I BOOKED THIS I HAVE THE CONFIRMATION RIGHT HERE HANG ON I BOOKED THIS FOR THE 20TH WHICH IS THE DAY WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LEAVING I BOOKED THREE FLIGHTS TO AND FROM SYDNEY ALL ON THE WRONG DAY HOW CAN I GET A FLIGHT FOR TODAY FOR THE TWO OF US TO GET THE HELL TO SYDNEY TO SEE OUR FRIEND TANYA EAT THAI FOOD AND GET DRUNK WHERE IS THE INFORMATION DESK OH IS IT OVER THERE OK I AM GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND CHANGE THE BOOKING I HOPE IT DOESN'T COST TOO MUCH BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I WILL PAY THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO MESSED UP THE BOOKING I AM REALLY SORRY AMY OH MY GOD THIS IS HILAROUS WE MUST WRITE A BLOG ABOUT IT IN THE BAR WHEN THIS IS DONE."

Now… lets pan across the terminal to James. In fact… zoom in for a close up on James. James works at the Virgin information desk and is having a rather banal day talking to businessmen about red eye flights until he sees an Albino Ash and International Amy (that's what ash calls me in his blogs) approaching his booth. You could see the look of fear in his eyes. Admittedly he hid it well.

"James… we need you to help us out… we need you to get us quickly and cheaply on a flight to Sydney…" I said… flashing a smile and leaning over the desk. I saw it straight away. James wasn't interested in helping me…but he WAS interested in helping Ash.

So… while I was on the phone explaining to Tanya why we were now going to be one… no two… no four hours late into Sydney… Ash was in hyper drive "lets see what a little flirting get us" mode…

Apparently, a little flirting could get us extra $280 bunged onto the price of our ticket to get us the hell out of this airport.

Lesson two of today… never leave Ash in hyper drive alone for too long… because as I hung up the phone and turned back to the counter, Ash had some how gone from a flirty moment to one of international security. Yes… as I walked back to our friends at the info counter Ash was actually saying… out loud… to an airport staff member… "cant we just get a Qantas plane to shoot a Virgin plane out of the sky so we can leave earlier?"

James was not amused. He stared coldly at Ash and shook his head. Quietly muttering "no… don't…" before the SAS came to sucker punch him in the head and claim his first-born child. (don't tell them but they'll be waiting a while…)

So… terrorist jokes put to one side and excess costs paid… we went to check in our bags… THREE HOURS EARLY. Brunette Irene gave us a sympathetic look and tried to make us feel somewhat better by regaling us of tales of other stupid travellers booking themselves in on the wrong day, week, year…

Cold comforts Irene. Cold comforts.

And so… here I sit dear friends… in a P.J O'Brien's… drinking in the airport prices, watching the little hand move past the big hand and writing to all you good people to pass the time… and quite sadly… ash is doing the same thing.

To read his account of events… go to www.myspace.com/one_step_out

If you need me… I'll be at the airport.
T

There's a Kid Inside... and I Have Her With Me Always.

okay.... April 25th this year marks my 27th year of life.

27 years...

I am now staring directly down the barrel of thirty. This is not something that scares me. Infact, after squeezing every last drop out of my twenties, (albeit three years early) I am quite looking forward to being re-booted with the juice of a new decade.

Infact, I've been looking forward to thirty since about twenty five...

But then last week, something happened. I hate to admit it here on a myspace blog, but I joined Facebook (yet another highly addictive friggin internet network find your friends and talk about yourself webpage) and there I found a new gang of old faces I hadnt seen in a long long time... my highschool buddies.

Now... for those of you who dont know... I am a small town gal.... Ballarat, Australia is where i spent many many years growing from the seed of a girl who climbed a tree and scraped her knee (much like her hero Frauleine Maria) to the bull in a china shop that writes to you now. (In the past two days I've already smashed my toe, gotten sun burnt, broken a mug and spilt three cups of scalding hot tea on myself and others.)

The school of hard knocks that is London is a universe away from the wonderfuly supportive and insular world of my primary, middle and high school life - Ballarat and Clarendon College. A school I attended for 13 years, where my brother, my step sister and my step brothers attended and was also where my Mum, Dad and Step mum all worked (that's an entire episode of Oprah in it's self)

Anyway, I was well aware that this year would be our ten year reunion. Ten years since we all signed each other's uniforms, sprayed the teachers with water pistols and promised we'd all be Best Friends Forever. Now... despite the fact I have not become a tony award winning super star, am not married to someone fabulous, do not have an amazing house with two kids named Oliver and Ethan or a range rover and a husky named Nanook (as was my dream in 1997) I am still quite proud of who I am and what I have made of my life thus far (just ask me... I'll tell ya!) and was looking forward to turning up to my ten year reunion and finding out where the road of life has lead my fellow "old collegians of 1997"

um... apparently... they were not as interested in me.... according to the messages on facebook...

It was last week...

AND I WAS NOT INVITED!

Not invited to my own reunion!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Was I really that obnoxious in the early 90's that ten years has not managed to get the cool kids to invite me to their friggin' party!

Apparently not.

All of a sudden I was back in year twelve at the after debutante ball party, wearing a size 22 mint green dress, standing alone in the corner too fat to get drunk and snog anyone in Tom Hunter's back yard.

I was astounded.

Dont they know who I am!? I go to parties with west end stars... I hung out with Monica Lewinski, I have pranked called the Osbornes... My name is put on the door at Ronnie Scotts and I have turned down invites to the Black Eyed Peas after parties.... and I cant get invited to my own HIGHSCHOOL REUNION!

(Please note that all of the name drops just written are announced with a large sense of irony and and witty, biting cynicism....)

So... I emailed my father.. who still works at the school... because obviously it was HIS fault I wasnt invited. (Lesson one in "How to be a daughter handbook" - when things go wrong... run to daddy) but when all he could email back was "um... you live in London and have been constantly moving since 2001, perhaps they couldnt find you." I went to the next source.

Brooke.

Brooke is from Beulah, (a town so small its barely even a road) and my fountain of all highschool knowledge. She came through with the goods. All the gossip from the reuinion I missed and let me tell you... it has frightened me to the very centre of my soul.

Here is an abridged version of what she wrote -

Dear Amy

Don't worry there were a lot of people not there but I'll tell you about the people I did talk to - apparently this is ment to make me and my lack of invitation feel better. It didnt work.

Craig - There with his wife Sharon (aka shazza) hasn't changed a
bit!! Craig went down in history as the hot but stupid guy who prided himself on eating fifteen pieces of pizza at the all you can eat buffet.

Adam - Married and settled down working as a lawyer in Ballarat Adam's mum was also a teacher at our school... played trumpet in the concert band with me and according to my diary i had a crush on him for about 4 months in 1994... and at the same time he had a crush on my best frind claire... bitch.

Ben - Just got engaged, nice girl, he still kept telling me to get my cha-cha's out though. Ben dropped out of highschool, worked on his dads farm, drove a ute with naked chics on the mud flaps... and makes more money than i can ever dream of.

Benn - Married and living on the farm, hasn't changed Again... had a crush on him for a few months in 1995. Again... he is now a rich farmer.

Sarah - Just got engaged and loves Karate. Sarah was always the bad girl, the rebel i was scared of.... and now she is karate loving wife. I'm confused.

Dean - Also engaged, really nice girl and Dean was on really good form Dean was the funny looking, geeky red haired guy... nice but annoying...

Rowena - Really lovely boyfriend Tait, working and living in Canberra, looks amazing. Again... was the funny looking, nice but sometimes annoying girl...

Megan - wasn't there as she had a baby two days before Was once my best friend... we had the necklace you split in half and give to each other...

Lauren - looks a little like she has been slowly cooking, just got engaged to John Howley The beautiful sporty one who's house was trashed in the infamous "Ultimate 18th birthday of 1997"

Rowan - Just got engaged to Justine, going bald, still great, really great to catch up with My crush from year 7 - 12... he snogged me on the last night of school in a dark corner of the local night club 21 arms and i was so happy i cried...

Dan Shields - Married to Jo, hasn't changed Another very big crush on him for many years....

Adrian - still gay My buddy from grade 1 - year 12....

DO WE SEE A PATTERN HERE PEOPLE????????

The only other unmarried, un betrothed one... is my former GAY BEST FRIEND!

How is it that all of these people, who I last saw leaping off the diving board of adolescence into the swimming pool of life, have now already made it to the podium of marriage and children? Did they all race off when i was in the shallow end pretending to be a synchronised swimmer? Was I still shouting "Look I can do and underwater handstand" when they were partnering up and getting the bronze medallion of adult hood? And why the hell do I still feel like I am wearing the floaties and using a kick board while these people are suiting up in the thorpedo olympic body suit? I'm so astounded I've run out of aquatic analogies.

And I was so shocked and disturbed by all this Ballarat Step-ford behaviour I spent the weekend on the couch watching "sex and the city" eating everything i could get my hands on and psychoticly obsessing about why my boyrfriend had not called me in the past 24 hours (um... casting a broadway show in New York might have something to do with that...)

In the immortal words of my brother... "Who invited me to the party and where have I left my pants?"

Now... dont be mis-guided here. This is not a blog where i stand and rant about small town people being boring and having nothing else to do but get married and pop out babies.

Thats not it at all. Really. Its not.

Nor is it a rant about me feeling unfulfilled because i am not (nor anywhere near) being married with kids and that entire part of life..

Its just a moment to recognise that, even when you feel like you are firing on all cylinders, that you are running towards everything you are passionate about, that you are steadily building a life that is representative of everything you are, everything you know and all things you see as beautiful...

There is (and always will be) always a 17 year old girl inside me, wearing a size 22 mint green dress, laughing loudly at the boys jokes to cover the fact she is too terrified to look them in the eyes.

and here she is ten years later... still quietly gutted she wasnt invited to the cool kids party!

Ugly ducklings... stand up and be counted!

Back in the Saddle

So...

Over the past two months I have found myself once again associated with one horrible word. A word I though I was done with. A word I thought would never darken my doorstep again. Yet after only 6 months there is was hanging over my head like a ghostly demon. SINGLE.

I have to be honest, it's a word I loved and was defined by, for many years. But then, after a certain amount of time (and cruise ships) you get tired of it – and to find myself once again in the realm of all the other single white females looking for r. Right in the ocean of Mr. Wrongs… it was not only disappointing, it was terrifying as well.
So in typical Amy style, determined not to let my fears get to me…I grabbed this opportunity with both hands and said to the universe "OK YOU SPIRITUAL FUCKERS… GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT"

Be careful what you wish for….

Dating is horrible. Being Australian, I come from a world where the etiquette of first date, second date, will he call, wont he call bla bla bla is not really a big deal. You meet someone… you like them… you get them drunk… you're with them. That's that.

Or is that just me?

Ladies and Gentleman sit back and relax and enjoy…. Amy's return to single life

Stage 1: He aint Mr. Right but he's Mr. Right now – a regression to my University years.

In the wake of the sudden singledom I retreated to Canterbury where my friend Helen is currently living. Tall, blonde and stunning, she is hilarious and wonderful and a weekend with her was just what the doctor ordered for my hurting heart. So out we went to the bar… and there we sat across the table from a bunch of guys… who, as it turned out, played in a rock band. If anyone knows me… they will know
EXACTLY what this equation means.

Amy + rock band = random drunken snogging.

And that is exactly what happened. Some how… we had found ourselves in what was calling it's self a drum and base club… which I think means loud shite mucis thumping with some guy on a microphone screaming something that sounded like

sugga bugg dodle way flooga fluugg mamma jay.

And there I was, against a wall, kissing what I thought in my drunken mind was a hot, sexy guitar player…

And then it was three am, the lights came on and I realised that shoving his lips against mine was a post pubescent, acne covered Pete Doherty wanna be.

And just like that… I ran out of the club.

Nice move Amy. You've travelled halfway around the world to behave like you did when you were seventeen… and twenty one… and who am I kidding.. twenty five…

Stage 2: He looked so good on paper… why communism was good in theory.

So… I decided I was going to actively try this "dating" thing. Go on a date… see if I like him and see where it goes from there. I was not a child of my early twenty's anymore.. I was looking for something more discerning. I deserved someone fabulous… and goddamn it I was going to go and get it.

Enter Dr. Doug.

28… Surgeon specialising in finding a cure for prostate cancer. Smart, funny, into photography…. And not to mention… GORGEOUS. This was perfect. He was perfect. And so I agreed to a coffee one afternoon.

He was absolutely lovely, a perfect gentleman and everything a girl could want. We sat there over our double strength skinny soy late`… and we chatted, we laughed, we found common ground… and we had a lovely time…

But….

Nothing. There was nothing there. Not a zap, not a kazaam, not even a spark. Nothing. Was I supposed to date people I felt nothing for and one day hope they'll turn around and be "the one?" Or was I going to have to wait another five years until I met someone for whom I'd drop everything for. I didn't know. So I pushed him onto his Piccadilly line tube and went home to quietly freak out about how I was obviously never going to ever find anyone I could possible love who could possibly love me and I was destined to die alone with only my cats to mourn me and then eat off half my face when they got too hungry.

Stage 3: Never… ever… go to Starbucks. How mass consumerism can ruin your life.

I am a self confessed coffee snob. I love the stuff, cant get enough of it… hook me up shove it in intravenously if you want… I'd drink it all day. And without it… I am not a happy lady. It's an addiction.. I admit it.. and it's a damn addiction that I love… okay!!! So back off…

On this particular day… I was suffering from a monumental "lack of coffee headache" and was in desperate need of some help. I happened to be standing out side the root of all evil… Starbucks. But I thought to myself…. "It's better than nothing.. one cup can't hurt that much… and those couches look just like ones off Friends."
Famous last words my friends. Famous last words…

I was sitting on the couches drinking my over milked, under caffeinated, over priced beverage, reading the ridiculous British news papers (Guess what Posh and Becks did today…) when a gentleman came and sat down next to me.


We started chatting, he was Canadian… a little bit older… was wearing glasses and a turtle neck… and I think… "What the hell? Why not?"

Fast forward to a week later and we are on our first date. He's splashing around money… promising to buy me presents… its all good… I'm thinking this could be fun…I could be that girl for a while… let him take care of me… spend some money on me…

Um… no. For the record… people who pick you up in Starbucks… are PSYCHOTIC.

The next day, after one date, I got about twenty five text messages from him referring to me as his girlfriend. That he was so lucky that he finally had found the girl he would be with for years to come.

Um… too much?? Yeah.. I thought so too…

SO when I sent him a polite text message suggesting that we calm down on the 'ol "girlfriend" terminology – the SHIT HIT THE FAN.

Or… at least the text messages came at me THICK AND FAST, calling me every name under the sun… it was like one of those old episodes of Batman…

"You're a KABAM… What a complete KABOOM… How can you treat men like this you WAPOW… You deserve to be THWACKED…" On and on and on they went… for three days…. Until either he got bored of my silence or his phone credit ran out… I think the last thing I heard from him was "you can play your mind games with the next guy you mess with… its just another notch in your bed you filthy WALLOP"

NOTE TO SELF… NEVER … UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES… GO BACK TO STARBUCKS.

And so there we were… the three stages of Amy's road back to single. Bumpy enough for ya?

But then something happened… a light went on in my head and I remembered… I don't live this life to find a boyfriend… I live this life for me!

And then it all came rushing back… what I do, who I am, where I am going.. . all of a sudden I felt so much stronger, completely focused and ready to take on the world - and off I went – running 100 miles an hour to what I want to be doing… (see the next blog for all of those details)

And then there I was… standing alone on my stage (figuratively and literally)… finally feeling proud again of who I am, what I live for and what I am placed on this earth to do.

And then the phone rang.

And it was the recent ex.

And he said everything I have been dying to hear for the past two months.

And I thought my heart was about to explode.

And then what happened?

We'll have to wait and see… watch this space my friends.

An Ode to Loving What You've Got.

So...

my prison-beak style escape from the Alcatraz that is Harrods is yet to happen. But for some reason – I don't really mind. Something seems to have clicked over in my head; I have harnessed my chi and don't let the bad stuff in anymore. And really – the salon is a lot better than some of the other day jobs I've worked.

I've dressed as a Kinder surprise egg and been beaten up by children at a race course, I've thrown yo yo's at people in mosh pits, I've sold mobile phones to people who do not need them, I've hunted down tax evaders for the government, I've helped to run the worst youth hostel in the EU, I've sold popcorn to celebrities at Cirque Du Soleil, I've wrapped presents in my Auntie's gift shop and I've nannied for the most spoilt children on the planet.

Hey kids! Look what a degree in musical theatre can do for you!!!

Life at the Urban Retreat aint all that bad and it seems that I've been there long enough to now have what I can call "my clients." The weird, eccentric and slightly "left of centre" people who love me because I make all of their ridiculous requests, an even more ridiculous reality.

Stellios – mid 40's, interior designer. Comes in every Monday for his pedicure, every other Wednesday for his back wax and every third Friday for his hair to be tinted and cut. These appointments are booked for the rest of his natural life. He is a creature of habit and does not like change. When he comes in I make sure he has his fresh carrot juice as sits down and only when he has finished drinking it will he be served his porridge. Do not think of serving it at anything less than boiling point. Do not ask him his surname – he will not tell you. Do not ask for his mobile number – he thinks they are evil. Do not think he will pay on his card – to him credit cards are satanic. If there, for any reason, needs to be a change in this routine, he needs to know 48 hours in advance to emotionally prepare himself. Stellios – the man with no surname, always dressed in Prada. I love him.

Rula - Mid 30's, Jewellery Designer, French. Highly strung. Flips out if someone breathes in the wrong direction. Will ONLY see Davy for her cut and Sacha for her colour. If I sit her down and convince her, she might see Paco or Nikki, but will only speak to me about it. I make sure she has her diet coke, no lemon, no ice ready for her when she comes in and there is always an eyebrow specialist ready to give her an eyebrow shape should she decide she will DIE if she doesn't get one NOW. But as she leaves she gives me a hug… tells me she loves me and wanders what she would do without me. Quite frankly… I don't know.

Mrs. Cassar – about 100 years old. Non – specific eastern European. Cannot talk, can only yell… and seems to think the world is out to get her. "DAWN WILL NOT JUST DRY MY HAIR TODAY YES , SHE WILL CUT AND DRY YES, SHE WILL CUT THEN DRY NOT JUST DRY YES." After 20 years of coming to the salon every single Thursday afternoon at 12:30, Mrs. Cassar can't quite understand that no matter what Dawn does, it will always take 45mins and cost the national debt of Uganda. She often says to me "I LIKE YOU YES, YOU DO GOOD WORK YES, IF I HAD EVER HAD TO HAVE A JOB YES, I WOULD BE LIKE YOU YES. I take that as a compliment.

Mrs. Bettleheim. – About 200 years old – 3ft 4" and hunched over like Quasimodo. I have never actually seen her face. My reception desk is so high that when she checks in all I see is a cane smacking onto the glass and hear a Munchkin like voice say "Bettleheim – Robert – thank you" and off she goes….
Mrs. Nemeth – early 70's – 4ft 2" (a giant compared to Mrs. Bettleheim) comes in every fortnight for Robert to do her wigs. She carries three large wig bags with her and, due to a hip replacement, waddles through the salon talking the ear off everyone. Always orders two cappuccinos and a piece of carrot cake with two forks so she and Robert can shoot the breeze while he attempts to make her rugs look like real hair. She is sweeter than everyone's Nanna put together and is an oasis of lovely amidst the ocean of Euro trash that comes through our doors.

Mrs. Scott-Brown. NEVER EVER EVER CALL HER BY HER FIRST NAME. She will actually set you on fire with her eyes. But, if you keep on her good side, she's quite a pussy cat… or is that lion… through all the bright orange curly hair extensions it's hard to tell where the cat ends and the fifty something woman begins. She's had enough face lifts to make David Guest proud and is running the impossible race against age. Her tiny frame actually trembles at times and she seems quite terrified by her life or perhaps by the reflection in the mirror. But when Flavien runs his fingers through her hair – all the worries seem to melt away.

Marie Louise – another one with no surname. I have no idea how old she is because she has had so much plastic surgery she can only be half human. French and the size of a semi-trailer she comes in three times a week for endomology (a crazily expensive cellulite treatment.) With her bleached blonde hair, bright pink lipstick and blue eye shadow pasted all over her face I often say to her "Marie Louise, you look so lovely today in your leopard print leggings… you are so naturally beautiful I don't know why you need us." She sighs and looks at me over her Dior glasses. "I spend so much money coming here three times a week… and look at me! I am still fat!" And with that… she takes another bite out of her cream pie, gets in the cab and goes home… around the corner.

I could spend all day writing about my wonderful clients at the Urban Retreat – there is enough to fill a book, and one day I will. But the people who really make it all worthwhile, all the screaming, insulting clients, all the long days and the Harrods bullshit…. Are the staff. We are the worlds largest salon and in some ways, a little micro world of our own. We all laugh at this life together, because if we didn't, there'd be a mass Waco style suicide on the fifth floor of Harrods.

There's my reception posse – a gang of mostly girls ( and two guys) who are a never ending stream of advice on love, men, fashion, sex, dating, restaurants, bars, clubbing, celebrity gossip and diet tips. They put up with my melodrama of a life and don't tell me to shut up when I quote Oprah's thought for the day at them… well not right away anyway.

The beauty therapists are always on hand to help you out with an emergency wax, tan, facial, body scrub, back rub or eyebrow tint should the need arise and will always listen to the woes and worries of the day. Just don't mess up their bookings… they will pack hunt you down and eat you for breakfast while your heart is still beating.

The make up artists are magicians who somehow manage to make me look human after working fourteen consecutive days and staying out all night in a gay bar in Soho because John wanted to go dancing. With a flick of a brush, they take me from "night of the living dead" to "night of a thousand dances" and think nothing of it. I don't know how I lived before I met them.

But... If I am being honest… of everyone… the hair stylists are my favourite. If we were in high school they would be the cool gang that everyone wanted to be. They are the beautiful ones who are just so frickin' cool…

Top Dog is Paco – Senior Art Director of the Salon – Spanish. He calls me "Carrinitos" - which in Spanish means little cuddles. Mid 40's (although he seems to defy the aging process completely) his boyfriend is the HOTTEST man in the universe. He wears knee high Prada boots, tight ass hugging trousers and Versace shirts and struts through the salon like the stallion that he is. He works when, and only when, he wants to and does what ever the hell he feels like… for he is PACO! Lord of the stylists! When our ridiculous management try to speak to him about it… he listens… smiles… and then does whatever the hell he wants to. I love him.

Next is Claudio – the other Senior Art Director – Italian. Works harder than anyone I know, can cut three women's hair at once and make them all look like Miss Venezuela '97 within thirty mins. And they love him for it. He is passionate, funny and tells it like it is. On the days I have slept in too late to wash (or brush) my hair he'll openly yell at me "What are you doing? You can be so pretty and you show up here looking like a cleaner! Stop it! You make me sick!" But then he'll give me a wink and a smile… and I'll reach for the damn hair brush.

Then there's my favourite of them all. The man who walks in slow motion, with his own personal wind machine. The one with the floppy brown hair, the endless sparkling eyes and the sex appeal oozing out of every single pore. His bi-sexual, French flirtations mix a heady cocktail I would take intravenously if I could. He rubs my shoulders, whispers in my ears, and plays with my hair and at many times I have thought to myself… if he doesn't stop I cannot be held responsible for my deeply inappropriate workplace actions… and then let him keep going. I tell him everyday that I love him and that the sooner he admits he loves me too, the better it will be for all of us involved. He tosses back those brunette locks and laughs… and I let him think I am kidding. This is Flavien – the Don Juan of Urban Retreat.

So here's to those of us who have day jobs… the things that keep our bills paid, our rent on time and our fridges stocked. The things that keep us occupied while we spend every spare nano second of our live running towards what we actually want - our dreams.

May your dreams and your day jobs be as entertaining as mine…

I am My Mother's Daughter.

So... last night was my jazz gig at Le Quecumbar, a great little gypsy jazz bar in Battersea.

This was all very last minute, a friend of a friend had passed my name on to someone who desperately needed a jazz singer at the last minute and i desperately needed the £50....

So... there we were with two hours of rehearsal and 40 of your favourite jazz tunes up our sleeve ready to go. We started out fine, finding our feet in the venue, singing the songs that we knew and early on in the first set walked a group of late 30's people. They all sat down at the table right in front of me and ordered food... One of them caught my eye. Tall, Black hair, beautiful eyes, stubble... and was it just me... or was he catching my eye a little too often....?

something in me started to rumble... single amy was back... the panther was once again prowling the african deserts for food. And she was hungry.

The set contiuned... a little rough and ragged, Will and i had only known each other for two days.... so it was very "fly by the seat of your pants" gig, but we were doing fine. Ended the first set and went to have a drink with all my mates who had come along (a surprisingly good turn out...)

I was having a big catch up with an old friend of mine when... tall dark and handsome came up to me to have a chat.

He was intelligent, flirty, witty and sweet, his name was Mark, worked as an architect and was out with friends... could this be the best re-bound present the universe could ever give!?!? I think so!!!!

And so.... the all singing, all dancing, Amy is single show came back by popular demand!!!

But, before i could do my dont you think i'm funny and great tap dance.... it was back to the grindstone, we had a second set to sing... but, really... since when has that ever got in between me and a cute architect!

so there we were belting out the tunes having a ball... mark starts requesting songs, i sing them for him... he buys me wine, i drink it.... we're winking at each other, there is a vibe in the air.... it was all good!!!

We finish the set and tall, dark, handome Mark comes up to say goodbye and gives me his phone number. KER-CHING!!!! Mission accomplished!!

"let me know when you are singing again..."

"maybe i should just txt you anyway..."

"maybe you should...."

"well maybe I will..."

and with that he took his designer stubble and ralph lauren sweater out the door.

oh yeah... I sassed my way to the women's bathroom, looked in the mirror and said to myself... YOU STILL GOT IT MUMMA!!!

So... in the flirty boozy haze i was now floating in, i sent a flirty little text.

Hi mark, it was great to meet you tonight, give me a call if you ever want to go for a drink, Amy the singer. xx

(apparently last night i decided i now have not just a name, but a title... Amy the singer is how you all must now address me)

So.. the night wore on, we all kept drinking and before i knew it i was on the bus home at 4am... and supposed to be at work at 8am...

One call in sick to work later and i am sitting on the couch today watching home and away reruns... day dreaming about my future life with a hot architect when my phone bleeps with a text message....

it was mark... my heart started to flutter... i couldnt help but smile.... the message was as follows...

Hi amy! It was great to meet you. We had a really fun evening and the music was great! Sorry if i was a bit flirty but I have to tell you I'm actually gay. (who else knows all the words to somewhere over the rainbow) would still love to meet for drinks anytime - you're good fun. Mark xx

all i could do was laugh and laugh and laugh.....

yep... Amy is back...single and picking up gay men again!!!!

My Oprah Moment.

After all the crying is done... after all the noise of the immediate, short term hurt... after the clanging and clattering of the fall... there comes a moment of silence.

A quiet part where you sit and be with what actually is. When you let the gremlin questions wash away. The "why didn't he, why couldn't I, why wasn't it, what could have been...." Where you take a breath and slowly start to dust yourself off.

Yep... there are some cuts and grazes, a few bruises here and there... but these are all things that heal. Yes... there is a little pool of sadness that sits in the pit of your stomach... but with each breath you take - every time you inhale slowly and deeply enough - that little pool of sad starts to dry.

You can't rush this. It deserves to be there. You are mourning a loss. But if you can acknowledge it, hell... make friends with it, this too... will become easier.

Only when you get to this silence can you hear the ringing in your ears stop, feel the pain in your head subside and let the small voice in your soul once again start to say... "you're ok kid... this is going to be ok."

And then... only then... can you start to realise that when something major has fallen away, you can see clearly that something remarkable has been revealed. The essence of you. The soul that can love, recover and learn, once again emerges not just intact, but more awake than before. A mask, a weight has been removed from the person you define as yourself.

As I negotiate my way through this world, moving from one challenge to another, I contantly find myself gazing down to find that somehow... my feet are still on the ground. I am still breathing, still living and still going.

And then, I get the Bhuddist joke of it all.

We are not (nor are we ever) the people we think we are. We are not locked to the thing we fear to lose. What we are, is the soul that is left when everything else is gone.

Losing what we think cannot be lost compels us to remember who we are...

"With the walls of my house burt down/I have a better view of the moon"

"Each time we mourn a loss its as if we've lost a ballast, been bounced and made more luminous."

The art of losing is hard to master. But losing yourself... your joy of being... that is the only disaster.

Sometimes you have to raise a flag, a white one, and say "Love - as incredible as it is - sometimes isn't enough. Sometimes we're just not the right fit, we're not the match we hoped we were. But that's ok. Maybe we'll fit together in a different way... some other day."

And then you look down at the pieces of your heart you swept up off the floor and you realise you've already put them back together.

No - its not exactly the same shape it was before all of this... but that's ok.

Because that is the whole point.

"THE NAPKIN" or "This is going to Hurt"

"welcome to the O2 messaging service, the person (your boyfriend) you are trying to speak to cannot take your call, pls leave your message after the tone."

"um hi... its amy. listen, i wanted to say this to you directly but i couldnt manage to catch you, and now you are apparently on a plane to L.A. Thanks for getting your secretary to tell me that.

Hon... we are going to be okay. But I've been giving this alot of thought. This is a well thought out decision, its not a rash tantrum or a cry for attention.This is not a tactic.

At the end of the day, what you need and what and i need from a romantic relationship, just dont co-incide. Its not about who is right, or who is wrong, it is the simpe fact that we are not a match. its not a crime, its no-one's fault. It's just sad becuase we do love each other... and i do hon. i love you so much i dont even understand it.

But, i had to say this before we got into smaller, irellavant details or about any particular hurt or incident. i wanted to say this before things became too sour for us to EVER have any kind of relationship, because that is not what i want. I want us to be in each other's lives, i just don't think it can be romantically - or not romantically right now.

I cannot love an empty space, I cannot love you if you wont let me, i cannot be your girlfriend if you cannot let me in.

I love you, I always will, this breaks my heart and causes un-imaginable pain. but i wish you every happiness, becuase you deserve it.

I guess that's it"

and with that... i picked up the shattered pieces of my heart.... and went looking for the sticky tape.

Something To Do on a Sunday.

So...

My agent rings me the other day and says the following... "Amy, i have a great audition for you, its for a one off gig in Edinburgh, great money, singing the hits of the west end... take in two contrasting songs and a monologue, they are really excited to see you! It's gonna be great!"

Sounds great right? Well dear friends let me tell you that in big bad London, things are not always what they seem.... you need to learn how to spot the warning signs...

Firstly, the audition is on a sunday... which although is not completely unheard of, but is a little odd...

Secondly, there was no accompianist... i had to bring two backing tracks... which are officially aginst my religion... not being a snob, but i HATE them!!!

Thirdly.... Steph couldnt tell me too much more about the gig... what styles to sing what the money was, where in Edinburgh the gig was...I had a strange feeling about it all, but went in anyway...

So.... picture me Sunday morning, full make up, hair done, all tizzed up, all ready to sing the hits of broadway.... i find the address and it looks all a bit residential.... not really like a hall or theatre or studio...

I press the buzzer... a young twenty something waif answers the door... the conversation was as follows

"can i help you?"

"um yeah... i am amy... here to audition...."

long silence and stare

"yeah... sure.... whatever... come in... you can wait in the kitchen"

I sat on a stool, next to the fridge looking at family photos all around the room... i could hear the some guy belting out the hits of dirty dancing in the next room and to my horror i realised...

THIS WAS SOMEBODY'S HOUSE.... I WAS ABOUT TO AUDITION IN A LOUNGE ROOM!!!!!

Yes folks... in i went to meet a panel (can you call it s panel when theya re sitting on their COUCH???) of three who were sitting there killing themselves laughing at something hilarious i was not privvy to, with a full spread of pizza, bottles of red wine, desserts and a cd player...

"Amy... nice to meet you we are looking for someone to sing the hits of phantom of the opera, have you prepared that for us?"

"Um... no... i was not told to bring any particular kind of show.... so i have some uptempo belty numbers for you...."

"oh... we we've already cast those roles so can you just make up something from phantom for us? do you know it? you can just hum it if you like.... just sing something opera-y that sounds like the phantom."

um... what... the .... hell.. is.... this???? the bloody ballarat light opera company are more professional than this....

the sad truth is that my resume here seriously needs some padding with uk based work... no one will look at me twice in town until i have dome SOME kind of work over here in something... anything... so i sucked it up stood there.... in some random persons lounge room and made up the lyrics to wishing you were somehow here again from the god awful phantom of the god awful opera

my lyrics went something like this....

wishing you were somehow here again

wishing you were somehow near

i love to sing, that is the thing

help me to sing and fly

no more memories, no more silent tears

no more skating across the icy years.....

where i ever concoted such rediculous and painful lyrics i will never know... all i could wish by this point was that i could smack myself in the head with their wine bottles to make this unbelievable pain stop....

but they applauded at the end... which of couse always makes me feel better.

and that was it.... no monologue.... no more songs.... no backing tracks... just some applause and more swigs of their red wine...

my question is... are these people actually casting a show... or did their television break down and they felt like somelive entertainment for the day! Did they find some undying need to subject themselves to made up phatom of the opera songs and old queens singing dirty dancing??? what could have posessed these people to waste my time!?!??!

What would you all do in the same situation???

DISCUSS.

Welcome to the Next Year

I have sat here about five times now trying to write my christmas/NYE blog... laughing at 2006, plans for 2007... but for some reason its just not happening.

I have no "Best of 2006" quibs and jibes.... there isn't a "now here is the list of things that I am gonna do this year" infact.... for the first time ever I can stand here and say

I have no idea what i am doing or what is going to happen in this, the 27th year of my life. (dear god am i nearly 27???)

I think this is actually a good thing... i think this means i have finally come to terms with the fact that every time i make any plans they never happen anyway and that in this rediculous world we have all created, the path of our lives is not really that dependant on us. Yes we make the decisions that shape said life, but the choices that are offered up to us are rarely the ones we design.

Four months ago i spent my life planning dates, drinks, dinners and days out, busying myself around my work and was always running somewhere to do something. To be out and be busy and be seen. I was always thinking, whats going to happen next, where am I going next, where is this going, how can i make this work and this happen and keep juggling all these balls in the air?

But suddenly at the end of the year, for no concious reason, mearely by a result of circumstanes, i just stopped doing it. Stopped the running and the planning, to just sit and exist. I wake up each day and really have no idea what is going to happen or where I am going to go. And for now... thats enough for me. I sit here and find an overwhelming need to just be. To just shut up live in and enjoy today with out any judgement of where it will lead me and what it can "do" for me. Is this my Oprah moment? perhaps. Is it career suicide? Perhaps!

In all honesty I find myself faced with a few choices right now and am really not sure which way to go or which path to take... so I'm just going to sit here at the cross roads for a while until I work out what I'm going to do.

I guess you could say I am easing my way into 2007... instead of kicking the door of each year in and marching in singing "Hey world here i am" this time... i am opening the door, walking in and taking a look around the room before I burst back into song.

Dear god I'm getting old.....

For the record... xmas was spent eating myself into a food coma in southampton and meeting Craig Mcglaughlin and the last few seconds of 2006 was spent on the roof of a theatre with the man I love watching fireworks bursting all over London. Not a bad end to a transforming year